Master the Art of Empathy and Support: MIRROR, VALIDATE, EMPATHIZE

These skills are a game-changer for relationships! They are my secret weapon in helping people exit conflict cycles and foster a sense of trust and understanding. Mirror, Validate, Empathize; MVE!

Thanks to Harville Hendrix and Helen LaKelly Hunt, we have the Imago Dialogue, a technique designed to improve communication between partners in a relationship and deepen understanding.

Here's what it is and why it’s useful:

1. Mirroring:

  • One partner expresses thoughts or feelings while the other mirrors, or repeats back, what they hear without adding interpretation or judgment. This ensures that the speaker feels heard and understood

    For example:

  • Partner A says: “I’m feeling really angry and upset because you told me you were going to be home at 7pm for dinner and i was expecting you.”

  • Partner B says: “I hear you saying you are feeling angry and upset because i told you something and then it didn’t happen.

    2. Validate:

  • The partner listening acknowledges the validity of the speaker's feelings, even if they don't necessarily agree.

  • A useful sentence stem here is “Based on what I know about you, this makes sense because _____________”

  • Connecting the dots about what’s happening and what you know about your partner shows your consideration for their experience.

    Example con’t...

  • Partner B says: “Based on what I know about you, it makes sense this would be activating because expecting and planning for something makes you feel safe and when that shifts you can feel abandoned and not cared for.”

    3. Empathize:

  • The listener then tries to understand and empathize with the speaker's perspective.

  • This involves stepping into their partner's shoes, acknowledging their emotions, and expressing understanding.

    Example con’t…

  • Partner B says: “So I really understand why your feelings have been hurt and why you’re experiencing a lot of anger and emotion about the situation.”

    *switch roles once Partner A feels heard if both people have feelings to express.

When focusing on understanding your partner, your defensiveness is derailed.

Identifying how you understand someone promotes feelings of being known and seen.

With more softness comes more vulnerability and opportunity for connection.

Amy Bouvin