TIME-OUT's: Why and How they can Help your Relationship

Using timeouts, taking a break, or stepping away from a stressful situation, can be a valuable strategy in relationships. It's important to note that the effectiveness of timeouts depends on the intention behind them and how they are communicated within the relationship.

During a conflict the rational brain goes "off-line", and the emotional and instinctual parts of the brain take control. This can result in reactive and emotional responses rather than a calm and reasoned approach to resolving the conflict.

Here's the DL about stress, the brain, and time-outs:

  • When the Brain is under STRESS, i.e. when a person experiences conflict or feels threatened, the brain's amygdala, which is responsible for processing emotions, signals the release of stress hormones like cortisol.

  • The stress response activates the emotional and instinctual parts of the brain, particularly the limbic system. This can lead to heightened emotions, such as anger, fear, or frustration. The prefrontal cortex, responsible for reasoning, problem-solving, and impulse control, becomes less active during a stress response.

  • This affects rational thinking and decision-making, as well as the ability to consider different perspectives, express yourself with clarity, and even to remember that your partner is someone you love and not your enemy!

  • Timeouts provide an opportunity for individuals to regulate their emotions before engaging in further communication.

  • A timeout interrupts THE ESCALATION cycle, offering a chance for DOWN REGULATION IN YOUR BODY and a more constructive conversation when both individuals are ready.

  • In the heat of an argument, we might say or do things we later regret. A timeout provides a buffer, a pause and a recalibration, which can help avoid long-lasting damage to the relationship caused by impulsive behaviors said or done under stress.

    Here’s how to execute a Time-Out:

  • Have established agreements and ground rules BEFORE using one, such as:

    • asking for a time out requires an immediate stop.

    • having a time limit for space helps reduce a sense of avoidance or abandonment,

    • the time limit is a guide, not a requirement that you need to be ready. instead its a commitment for checking back in.

    • have a commitment of self responsibility while apart, using the time to turn inward and understand what’s coming up for you, rather than ruminating on how your partner has done you wrong.

  • When re-connecting, try to ensure you have brought your body down into a more regulated state.

  • For some, communicating by phone or text can be an easier transition for re-connection.

  • Aim for taking responsibility for your part in the disagreement to foster resolution.

Talk to your partner about how you could incorporate this practice and how it might support your intimacy and connection.

Amy Bouvin