The Power To Say NO Gives The Freedom To Say YES

So often NO is experienced as a rejection.  We all struggle to hear ‘no’ in our lives- go inward and think about the feelings and sensations it evokes in you when you’re told “no.”  It’s difficult- tightness in your chest or stomach, knots or butterflies maybe? For some it could feel like fear and for others anger and still for others shame- we feel wrong, in trouble sometimes, not enough, inadequate, our fears about not being liked or loved arise…not easy stuff.  And yet, without the ability to say no, how do we ever really get to say yes?  This is particularly poignant when it comes to sex and sexuality in relationships and otherwise. There are too many examples of how not acknowledging what you really want or need can go wrong. 

For those of us hearing “no,” instead of associating it with shame and discomfort, can we learn to thank one another for saying no? To experience it as an act of safety? When someone goes into themselves and assesses and determines what is right for them in a moment, where their body is at, what they need or what they can/cannot do, and then they feel safe enough to share that with us, knowing we can hold it without shriveling up into a ball of shame, that’s an act of love, courage, and an indication of a secure bond.  

Thank your partner for telling you “no” next time you ask for something and honor their willingness to check in with themselves and to trust that you would be able to make space for their needs.   This way the next time they answer “yes” to you, your ego can take a break and you can fully experience the freedom of letting go of any doubts about this response, knowing that they are completely able and willing to engage.  When someone gets reinforced that their “no” is respected and honored, without consequence, then they have so much more room to say “yes” with conviction, desire and freedom.