Create Shared Values for your Relationship

Creating shared values in a relationship helps establish a foundation of mutual understanding, alignment, and cohesion. When partners share core values, they are more likely to navigate challenges, conflicts, and life decisions with unity and harmony.

Here's how to identify and create shared values for your relationship:

  1. Identify your values individually:

Ask yourself thought-provoking questions:

  • what really matters to me in this life?

  • how do I want people to feel around me and to think about me?

  • what brings me fulfillment and purpose?

  • what are the beliefs and principles that guide me?

  • what kind of person do I want to be?

  • what kinds of things motivate and energize me?

2. Share and Discuss.

Share openly with one another:

  • engage in open and honest conversation about the things that matter to you and listen to learn about your partner (s)

Discuss similarities and differences.

  • notice where you have overlap and notice where you have difference, honoring both.

3. Negotiate and Compromise.

Identify broad themes:

  • look for shared principles, goals, and priorities that you both resonate with and agree upon (i.e. connection)

Expand:

  • pulling from your lists, include as many specific ways each of those themes could be lived into (i.e. connection: play, vulnerability, generosity, family)

  • practice compromise and flexibility, attempting to honor all perspectives while keeping your final vision manageable

4. Shared Vision + Staying on Track

Write out your final vision:

  • the more concrete this is, the easier it is to track, monitor and remember

  • how you make decisions in your relationship will ideally be influenced by these values

Revisit and Reaffirm:

  • check in regularly around how you are doing holding these values in the relationship through your actions, choices and behaviors

  • as individuals and circumstances change over time, it's important to reaffirm your commitment to your shared principles and adjust as needed

Identifying values is an ongoing process of self-discovery and reflection. Embrace the journey with curiosity and openness, and allow yourself and the relationship the freedom to explore, expand and refine over time. If you and your partner have never spoken directly and concretely about your values, give this a try!

Amy Bouvin