How to Talk to You Partner About Sex...

Well, if there was a formula, we would all have it down pat by now. So rest assured, there really is no right or wrong way to do this, and let’s face it, most of us don’t do it all!  We get plenty of messages about what is sexy, based on media and societal messaging, (which of course, most of us also do not measure up to).  We get plenty of messages about how to avoid problematic sexual activity (we have so much to thank our abstinence only sex ed curriculums for). We get plenty of messages about how we are supposed to be sexually- giving our partners mind-blowing orgasms, having intercourse 7 days a week- you get the point. But no one is teaching us how to talk to each other about sex, whether it be to the next generation of young people and children, our friends, our family but especially our partners- how ironic! There is so much fear out there- fear of being too sexual, not sexual enough, not good enough, or that only certain things are safe to talk about- the rules are so confusing it’s no wonder so many of us find it easier to just let it go and get on with it, hoping it will eventually just figure itself out.  Myth bust alert- sex is not one of those things that typically and naturally just figure itself out!  Would you want your partner to just paint the walls without your opinion or pick out the family vehicle without consulting you? Doubtful.  So why do our sexual wants, needs, preferences and hopes get treated as if they didn’t matter? Because they do.

If you agree and decide it feels important enough to take some of these risks, let’s talk about how you may take some of them while keeping our “danger” alerts to a minimum. 

1.     Establish emotional connection first- talking about sex is an extremely vulnerable place for most of us, given how intimate and vulnerable it is to engage in sexual activity, compounded by our lack of vocabulary and knowledge as a society around the topic.  So you want to be sure you and your partner have created a secure base with one another, one that fosters safety through compassion, accessibility, responsiveness and engagement.  Being able to rely on our partner, depend on them, and know they will reach out to us when we seek them are all extremely important when taking on a topic that brings up a lot of risk.

2.    Bring validation and reciprocity- it’s really helpful to reinforce each other when we are able to take risks.  We cannot do this if we are feeling defensive due to our own insecurities.  So when someone brings something that feels risky, lean in.  Reflect back what you are hearing them say and not what the mind movie starts playing in your head about what’s wrong with you.  Show them you are listening.  As the initiator of this conversation, make space to be curious and ask the same questions to elicit your partner’s preferences as well.  Both partners should have equal opportunity to share- there are no two clones on this planet that have the same exact sexual desire DNA.  It will only help strengthen and foster the discovery and journey together to show the reciprocal respect of eliciting your partners’ hopes when you bring yours to the table.

3.     Keep it neutral- try to avoid deep conversations about sex during afterplay (the moments following a sexual encounter that continue to foster attraction and connection).  If you think it’s already vulnerable to talk about sex, imagine talking about it right after you put yourself out there.  Get inspired to talk about it after watching a romantic comedy, while you’re sharing a cup of tea or taking a walk.  Reduce the pressure off of performance- that kind of anxiety can kill erotic experiences, so keep them separate.

4.    Practice providing feedback- keeping it neutral doesn’t necessarily mean don’t talk to each other while engaging in sexual activity for the purposes of communicating to your partner about how the experience is going for you.  This can be a really helpful way to empower your own sexual embodiment and derive more pleasure and satisfaction from sexual play.  You may feel awkward being so direct, or even fear hurting your partner’s feelings, so help each other out by asking one another how certain things are feeling for them.  This can start in really simple ways like asking how the room temperature is or if the music or lighting feels comfortable, all the way to specific genital and non-genital touching, i.e. pressure, location, pacing, alternate stimulation, etc. 

5.    Do your homework- it may be hard to talk about our wants, needs and desire if we have no idea what they even are.  If you are willing to participate in some self-exploration to figure this out, that’s a great place to start.  If you feel more comfortable doing this with your partner, then plan out times to do that exploration together- without an end goal of intercourse, for example, but instead, to map out experiences that elicit a connection to your arousal.  This starts outside the bedroom and continues throughout afterplay.  Pay attention to when your sexual arousal begins; is it responsive to when intimacy and touching begin? Or is it spontaneous and you feel sexual energy before even thinking you may engage in a sexual act? This is important information to how you will end up communicating to your partner about determining when it feels good to begin engaging sexually with one another. 

Find what feels authentic to your relationship style, both emotionally and sexually as a couple.  And just remember, talking about sex can become as normal and casual as your preference for a meal, and if it is received with support and engagement from your partner, you may just decide to skip dinner all together!   

Amy Bouvin