Self-LOVE vs SelfISH vs SelfLESS

We have come to believe that loving ourselves is wrong, bad, selfish even. Acts of self-care are frivolous and unnecessary.  If you love yourself too much you are considered conceited and not caring. It’s highly valued to be selfless and turn everything over to the betterment of others. Look back and reflect for a moment about the messages you received growing up in your family culture and larger social context, specifically about these concepts of self-love, selfishness and selflessness. Who was advocating for you to love yourself- what did it look like? Were there limits? Conditions? Did anyone model this to you? Was it expected of you to give everything up you wanted or needed for the good of everyone around you? Is that the only way you could ever feel loved? Was it considered bad or unmannered to want things or have needs? (Don’t even get me started on how the gender binary comes into play here with social expectations). 

All things in moderation, right? No need to throw everything out the window, but examining our belief systems can be powerful.  These concepts can be considered across a range, with that nice sweet spot of self-love right in the middle.  So just consider, when we love ourselves we become more available and present for others.  When we give everything we have in selflessness, there’s nothing left to fill up our own tanks (and its possible our good old friend resentment is right around the corner).  And when we only think about our benefit with no regard for those around us whom we impact and influence, then we take all energy away from a reciprocal dynamic of relationship and the pendulum has thus swung too far in the other direction.  But that balance, in that place where when I can lean into my needs, desires, wants, hopes, and I suddenly become much more available to support, love and tend to my relationships and the needs, desires, wants and hopes of others- that’s where we want to be. Get that oxygen mask on if you want your companion(s) to survive, because they need you to tend to you first and foremost.